Here. Despite it all.

Hey you,

You are here. despite it all. you are alive. you are breathing. you are surviving. you are here… i know it may feel like the whole world is pulling you down. i know it may seem like you are at fault. The world is a cruel place to be. You did not deserve to be treated this way. i get it. Trust me, there is no one who will understand that more. i know you probably have questioned your existence in this world several times. You probably have come close to ending it a couple of times. But you are here. Despite it all. surviving and conquering each day, each hour, each minute. you have learned to understand the pain of existing and the pleasure of living. I know you don’t get appreciated enough for the battles you face every day and I want to tell you that I have not met anyone who fights them as strong as you do. how do you do that? how do you struggle so much but do it so gracefully with a smile on your face? All that you go through is not easy. you showed me what the ugliness of failing looks like and the glory of success should look like. all at once. It takes mountains of strength to be a person like you. You are my inspiration. you are what i want to be and continue being. thankyou for all that you are becoming and unbecoming at the same time.

~ A letter from me to me.

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Day 4: Snuggle

Maybe I feel more at home when I feel two arms wrapped around me tight when I’m at my worst. A tight hug from almost anyone can instantly bring me back to peace. A warm cuddle calms my soul.

Basically, all I want is food, cuddles, kisses, and attention. Wait, Am I a puppy?

I remember some of my most precious and close-to-heart moments are the ones which are pretty insignificant when I get myself to explain them. Snuggling under a blanket and spending time laughing with people who matter to me just adds on to showing more care to people you love.

You know life is better in Pajamas. Well, add a little snuggle factor there and you have the ACTUAL definition of “better” life.

The snuggle is real…

Day 3: Boost

Many people, things, and (as a matter of fact) my own self, is inspired. Just to do more with ourselves. Do more. Do better. Do good. Be good at what you do and do it right.

Where do I get the energy and the drive to do it? 

If I asked myself this two years ago, I would have said ‘people’ I feed off of others energy. I need to be able to see different faces every day for my mental battery to charge up and function efficiently. I had to be more out there. Talking to people has given me so much confidence that I have never found in myself when I DO spend time alone. Hearing others stories about their day, laughing and just… living, made me feel so alive. That was my BOOST then.

anddd then life happened. You know there are some VERY defining moments in your life that reallyyy change you as a person? change meaning not gradual, but a sudden, huge change? something inside of you COMPLETELY changes? that’s when the answer to the question above flipped completely.

Today. I need myself, quiet place, my thoughts and time. Those are just more than enough for me to boost up and start where I left off. Over time I have learned to listen to my thoughts and act upon it. I have learned to work on the energy I put out and the energy I take in. I have learned that at the very least, THIS is in my control.

This by no means do I condemn the ‘art’ of socializing for one’s own benefit. I took in a lot of negative energies inside of me when started to poison my mind. I couldn’t let myself fall apart. I learned my mistake and hence the change.

My boost and my source of inspiration come from within. It comes from what I make out of everything. The people, things, my values, and time. Now I have understood the real balance of introversion and extroversion. I am getting there. One. Step. Atta. Time.

I encourage you to do the same!

-Much Love,

Day 2: Obstacle​

 

2012: I am never going to get over my first crush. I’m going to die alone

2013: I’m basically an American since I just moved here! But wait. we have to do our own laundry? there are no maids?!?! F**k me!!

2014: Wait, does everyone think I came from the slums because of Slumdog Millionaire? Is this all they know??

2015: OH NO! Who are these people and how am I going to make friends!!!

2016: 4 AP classes?! S**t! I guess I am gonna have to graduate a year later!

2017: I can’t even walk straight on the floor, forget trying not to trip on the stage while I collect my diploma

2018: There is ABSOLUTELY no way I’m going to work 30 works a week AND pass my class with flying colors.

Present: There is nothing exciting in my life. I am going to die alone.

A never-ending cycle of obstacles. This is just a glimpse into my journal entries dating back from 6 years ago. I thought I can never get myself to do dishes, laundry and other domestic normal individual is required to know. Well, here I am.

We think every obstacle is the end of the world. I mean… At least I do. I like things planned out and expect them to run really smooth. I led myself to believe that EVERYTHING is in our control if you want it to be. But it’s not true. That is the greatest myth of all the myths I have heard. You can control any situation you want, but if it is MEANT to happen, it will. I mentioned this several times and believe in it so deeply that  “Everything happens for a reason. Trust the process. God is rooting for you!

I’d like to believe that God is in a great mood to test us, wanting to see if we truly deserve something we badly want. He then throws some of his most powerful curveballs along the way to test if you get through them. Similar to a job interview where the interviewer tests the interviewee how badly they want the job, ask them some difficult questions and if still surviving they pretty much got that job!

These obstacles test me mentally more than anything else to see if it’s worth fighting for. and when I recognize myself debating to give up, I IMMEDIATELY get up and place my hands to the sides of my waist, my legs wide apart and stand chest up. Just like the Superman pose. Close your eyes and BREATHE. Deep inhales and exhales. Soak in the surroundings.

still with me? ok good. hear me out… before you contemplate reading this crazy women post any further.

This is an example of power posing. When posing as such, you are telling your mind, body, and, the soul that “I am a hero and I am ready to conquer WHATEVER comes my way” You are so ready that you feel that rush in you. Trust me it works!

ok yeah. people look at me crazy when I do this before an exam or in a public surrounding but it WORKS! so who cares BRUH!

P.S~ also. There are TONS of articles on it online, many TED talks as well. Trust me. I’m a reliable source. My English classes in the past have taught me well to dig up sourceful information.

Doing something as simple (Ok, you’ll get used to it) as a superman pose can help me move further in my decision-making process and that’s a start! Hey! I get it. Sometimes you weigh in the pros and cons and you just want to give up because it is the best for everyone around you. And that is absolutely OK to do so. Not all battles are won and definitely, not all are lost. But that in NO MEANS I am saying you to go by the list or even if ‘its better for everyone else’. YOU come first. YOUR happiness should top that damn list.  Heres to hoping that we will all make wiser and healthier choices for our mental health.

Yours Truly.

 

 

Day 1: All about me

  1. I care. I know. Its shocking to hear that myself too. I learned to care. I learned to show. I learned to understand how to care. Started texting people I have lost in touch for years. It’s sad how they were only a part of a phase in my life, who I’ve never really cared enough to bring them with me to my next. I contacted MANY that I knew. Feels like you’ve revisited your past self. Man! I grew up so fast!
  2. I’m overly sensitive. This is my most defining quality, that if taken away, I would be a dead human. I would lose my sense to empathize, my conscience, my values and my very essence of existing.
  3. Envisioning my future gives me so much joy. I can talk about my future for days and days. I don’t dream about something very big. All I want is a small studio apartment in NYC, loving the job that I do. Hoping I would have a small family of my own few years after that. And so on. I think about the apartment. I think about the neighborhood I would live in. I think about how my usual morning would be like waking up to head to work. I think about it a thousand times. Many times I look at that vision board reminding myself to study a tad bit longer, just hoping to reach that dream a little closer.
  4. I love myself. Yes. I do (It has taken me years of self-love to say that sentence) and I’m not ashamed of it. Not even a single bit. I’m beautiful and gorgeous and have a great smile. I think you are too! I never used to look in the mirror and say “yes Beyoncé! Work it” but now, I say that to myself every morning. I’ve learned to compliment myself more, rather than waiting for others to do it to me. I wanna look cute not for any boy, but for me. So back off kids! 
  5. I’m very spiritual. Ok, let me explain. I’m spiritual in the sense of the world and how or why things take place the way they do. I’m a very deep thinker. I believe that everything happens for a reason. You are here in this world for a reason. What is that you ask? Well, it’s our job to find that and fulfill it. I believe in the power of miracles. I believe in the higher power which we are not in control of. I believe that destiny plays an equal part in the decisions you make and is also a part of the reason you are here at this moment reading this. Like they say, “you are one decision away from a completely different life”
  6. I need to start reading books more than I watch movies. I write and read VERY less or almost none to be precise. I’ve never cultivated the habit to read stories, novels, newspapers etc. I believe that words on paper can say so much about a person and what their values are. Yeah! That deep! We are all spoon fed when it comes to movies. The storyline, the dialogues, setting, and scenes are all staged for the audience to think alike. But novels. They go deeper. You aren’t just stuck at mesmerizing the actors’ flawless skin, slim bodies, toned arms and gorgeous hair. But instead, you are mesmerized by the immense amount of talent the protagonist has, her soul made of gold, and her values as solid as a rock. This is the difference I learn when I read. 
  7. I love to dance. Dance is my passion. Yeah, I know everyone loves to dance and move and shake to the sound of the beat. But for me, it is a lot more than just that. My love affair with dance has never died. I’m horrible at expressing myself on paper, or even as simple as talking to someone. That’s where dance has got my back, it helps me say things with the rhythm and beat. Yeah, that’s all I need. I have been classically trained Bharatanatyam dancer and to this day I wouldn’t trade that “talent” of mine for anything. Besides that, Bollywood is my second (well, that’s a given) salsa, bachata, jazz are the others I’m trying my hands on.
  8. I adjust. When I say that, I mean I adjust ANYWHERE and EVERYWHERE. This can mean that you put me in a closet and tell me that is where my home will be from now on, then I will nod and happily move into my ‘new house’ (what stuff will you take with you dummy. It’s a closet ugh. Get it together Mouls) I adjust to circumstances, places, situations, people and life. The years of moving, from seven cities to four countries to three continents I think I can safely call myself a pro. I start belonging to a place with people and connect bonds which may be left behind or carried forward, but I’m moving regardless. so see ya on the other side peeps!
  9. I’m nosy. Kinda…(not). Nerdy meaning wanting to know everything, about everyone. The gossip. The drama. The love affairs. The scandals. ALL OF IT. Forget The bachelorette or BiggBoss. I live for THIS sorta entertainment.
  10. I love life. There is nothing really to say about this. I just love the life I have had. My parents have made sure of it. I am beyond grateful for what God has showered upon us with the amazing opportunities. With the smallest as just having a roof over our head to the large ones such as traveling to different places every now and then. Just THANKYOU.

Am I?

Life has surely been a rollercoaster ride, could I just use the Evanesce spell and disappear at least for a day to get away from the harsh reality? and live a life like a fairytale one.

God,

Please let the nights go smooth and

And the days with ruth,

Because I don’t want anyone

Look at me with a stun.

Watery eyes and sniffy nose

Can’t stop until this night slows

Peeping through the window

Do people carry their own billow?

And if everyone were in a blue

Why did I not have a clue?

I want to ask if you spread equal misery to all

Or was the only one who fell in the pitfall?

– Yours and yours alone

– Moulika..

Mirror

Looking at myself in it, I see zits, spots, and marks on me reminding me everything about who I didn’t want to be. Now the question was who would I want to be? Which required me to write (more importantly vent) out my feelings.

First, I really don’t understand the whole chaos and a hot topic about having ‘spots’ or rather an enormous pimple on a person’s face. BIG DEAL man! Get over it! Seriously!

All this dated back to 3 years ago…

Every Sunday morning as I opened my laptop screen, I sense a fear creeping up my nerves as I sit in a poised manner, waiting for the other end of the line to appear green. Every Sunday at 11am CST is assigned to be my ‘catching up time with family and friends’ to make it more convenient to converse due to the time zones confusions. I cringe really hard as I press the green button to answer the Skype call. What happens next is 10 minutes long conversation talks (I can’t even call it a conversation- more of promoting smoother skin or advertising a product) about how the skin is supposed to be taken care of…What will other people think of you?… Apply turmeric and milk Right now!… and as the 10 minutes talk starts to reach its final stages of being done. It usually ends by calling the neighbors for extra recipes to have a ‘fair’ and smooth skin without any acne or spots anywhere near the face.